I was 35, married with four children, four dogs and two cats living a life in Greenwich CT. We were doing our best to keep up with the Joneses. I was harried and miserable. But didn’t know I was either. I just thought everyone was like this. Was everyone keeping up a front? Do you know how much energy that takes? I have a lot of energy too. The only thing I was missing from this crazy lifestyle was the nanny (and truthfully, the bank account, but we pretended). And then, I got the wake-up call that forever changed my life.

One night, months after my mom passed away, I was in a deep sound sleep. It was a typical night. I wasn’t into any meditation then or setting intentions. None of the habits I have now. Just sleeping. But then, I felt a tug on my blankets. Not the typical hogging-the-blankets-from-a-partner-tug, but a pull towards my feet tug. I tugged back. But whatever this was, tugged even harder, to the point where I was pulling the covers back up and over my shoulders with all of my might. I came to my senses and when I did, hovering over the foot of my bed, was the MOST beautiful light I had ever seen in my life. Once I grasped what was happening to me, the light flew out the window. I recall thinking, “what a strange way for my mother to come and visit” and fell back to sleep.

The next day I relayed this story to only a select few (after all, people already thought I was crazy for not having a nanny!) and a close friend knew immediately the significance. She said “this was your Higher Self, trying to wake you up.” I said “Well, it did. It woke me up from a deep sleep.” She said, “No, no, no. It was trying to WAKE YOU UP!” Ohhhhh… THAT kind of wake up call. It was trying to wake me up from the life I was living or should I say the lie I was living. Someone (or in this case, something) had to step in and say basically - WTF are you doing? Harried and miserable is no life. It might be living, but it’s not a life. I realized then that something bigger than me had plans that were bigger than me. Our planned move to Vermont wasn’t meant for my marriage - it was meant for me. And so I moved with four children, four dogs, and two cats and drove away from my marriage and Greenwich in one single day.

But hold on a second, back up…. what is this “Higher Self” concept my friend was talking about? That was my big question. She clearly knew what it meant. I had no idea. So my spiritual quest began, not just to find out about my Higher Self but to figure out, why me? Lots of people are in not-so-great marriages and they don’t get a bright light waking them up and whooshing out their window. My spiritual quest was slow moving. Very slow. But it was a quest nonetheless. I started reading A LOT of self-help books (now called self-care, that’s how long I’ve been reading). But between four children, a move, a divorce, a new career, a second marriage, a new business, another child and another new career (that’s 20 years in just under 20 words), my self-actualization took a back seat, a way back seat. The spiritual books kept coming (they still do- happy to give you recommendations). The voracious reading appetite seemingly unsatisfied and I still didn’t really have a clue what this “Higher Self” concept meant. Until now. Another awakening, albeit figuratively.

In a nutshell, your Higher Self is the awareness of all that is. What the hell does that mean? (read this slowly) It means we all have roles (egos) we play all day long. We react to things, we talk about things, we do things, etc. We are essentially living life. But are we? Here is a spiritual exercise, some time, in a coffee shop or at home, just sit and observe without thinking. Just BE. When you step back and observe, quietly in the present moment without thoughts or labels, you will see these roles everyone (including you) being played out, all day long. THAT observation, that quiet, that stillness, is your Higher Self. It isn’t judgment. It is simply awareness. It is inner space. Stillness. It’s why meditation is so important to do everyday because it gets you in touch with the real YOU. It’s the part of you that is your consciousness, your essence, your spirit, the little Buddha, the Christ in you, your energy source, the God within, or whatever else you want to name it. It’s the big YOU, not the little you where your ego resides. It’s the ME that visited me that night and started my quest. And while it took me 20 years to figure out what it was, it was worth the wait because now I’m answering to an even bigger wake up call. This time, I’m bringing it to my every day, in every way. And hopefully get to spend at least the next 20 years, wide awake.