When we are learning we are growing.  Weekly, I am challenged with this because being uncomfortable is necessary for growth. It takes work. Yesterday, I confessed to a friend and mentor, “Sometimes, I’m just tired of all of it.”  

Uncomfort is telling you something especially when it comes to your human interactions. When there are people in my life who challenge me, the ones I struggle to understand, or even be around, how in the world does a Life Coach coach the Coach?  Is this a lesson in boundaries or shadows? Can I actually just not like a person and remove them from my life?  Of course, I can, when it comes to friends (who we choose to have in our lives).  But the people in my life, for example, the ones I work with, don’t really give me a choice.  Do I give myself a pep talk the morning of that session, á la Tony Robbins, looking into the mirror and telling myself “I got this!”? Deep down inside, I don’t ‘got this’ or worse, I don’t want to ‘got this.’

Recently in a lesson in my Year of Conscious Living, the instructors were breaking down the Sexual Instinct.  In a previous blog, I had written (semi-erroneously) that the Sexual Instinct is about sex.  Well, yes it is about sex, but it isn’t only about sex.  The Sexual Instinct is about attraction, energy, life force, a passion for something.  The people who are dominant in this Instinct seem like they approach life as if they are on a mission.  Yep, that would be me.  I even had a t-shirt once, not too long ago, that said, “ON A MISSION” with a Nike swoosh for emphasis. 

Having this newfound knowledge has allowed me to step back and see this Instinct everywhere. In Vermont, it has been hot and sticky.  Yes, an air conditioner is needed for the gym, but when I come into the gym and I have a heavy sweatshirt on because the air conditioners are set to 62 degrees, and the women in the gym are commenting on how freezing it is, I stomp around (sometimes saying more than one word about it) changing the temperatures.  My husband just gets out of my way now.  Or, when I’m in a coaching session and exuding my love for the Enneagram, on many more than one occasion, people will comment, “Your passion for your work is obvious.”  Sexual Instinct dominant - that would be me, and it has nothing to do with wanting to be, I just am.  

So yes, the three Instincts stack in our lives, sometimes shifting, possibly seasonally, or as chapters in our lives.  Sexual, Self-Preservation, Social.  That would be my stacking.  What a difference two weeks make - more understanding.  But more importantly, how I am applying this knowledge about myself and others is helping me deal with those in my life I simply don’t get.  They too have a stacking (and a type and a shadow) and because of my Sexual Instinct dominance, I can take this too far because of the blinders the Instinct installs.  As Russ Hudson says, “The passion (shadow) of the Enneagram type distorts the instinct and uses it to keep the life of the ego.”  This explains the (egoic) narrative my mind plays during these more challenging sessions -  “How come they don’t see the benefits of the Enneagram?” “Why do they enter a session with such a negative attitude?” “Why aren’t they on a mission?”  Naranjo called this type (Type Five Sexual instinct dominant) Confidence, Russ Hudson calls it This is my World. These would both be true for me.  

So what is the point of knowing your dominant, secondary, and tertiary Instincts?  Similar to the Centers of Intelligence, knowing your Instinct stacking allows you to:

1. Notice how they show up or don’t show up in your life (and the lives of others)

2. Begin to shift into spending more time in your blindspot (your tertiary) Instinct

3. Become more present in the moment and live with intention (I know, I’m a broken record)

It didn’t take a rocket scientist (or someone who has taken a nose dive hard into the Enneagram) to figure out, my blindspot is Social Instinct.  While I can spend my days one on one, the idea of meeting new people or way worse, having to spend time in a group, makes me very anxious. Not having a label on this social angst (an Instinct blindspot) has allowed me to get away with not engaging, “I’m just not into being around a bunch of people or going to parties.” Or, “It’s just not me.” Or the introvert excuse, “Being around people drains me.”  All true, but now I am aware of this Instinct that needs some tender loving care.  You probably won’t find me at the nearest bar anytime soon, but I am noticing a conscious shift to making a more social effort. I am meeting total strangers on LinkedIn and working on my small talk (this can be painful but I’m getting better) and today I’m going to a football game where none of my children will be on the field and I will have to make small talk or maybe some big talk - my favorite.  Who knows?  But I wouldn’t know if I didn’t go.  

So the next time you feel uncomfortable try to discern what is being triggered. Are your boundaries being challenged (could be Self-Pres)? Are you feeling isolated (could be your Social Instinct)? Are you annoyed with people who challenge your mission (definitely your Sexual Instinct!)? You too can discover your Instinct stacking here at the RHETI site. It will cost you, but I promise you, it will be worth it.  (You must be confident of your dominant type when you test).  

Have fun getting comfortable with uncomfort and discovering how impactful your newfound self-knowledge changes your life.