When I was growing up
Or maybe I should say
Growing into my
“baby” spot in the birth ranking
My sister was a second
mother to me
She had prayed and
I mean literally prayed
I would be a girl
With two brothers
She wanted to even
Up the teams
My sister’s love for me
Steadfast
And only recently during
A loving-kindness
Meditation did I realize
How it shaped me
As the guide requested
We direct our loving-kindness
towards ourselves
Suggesting we imagine
Our younger selves
So I did
It was easy to imagine
My happy childhood
Picture after picture flashed into
My mind of a smiling Julie
Innocent
Dressed as a cowgirl
Sitting on a horse
Costumed for dance recitals
With our dog
On the beach
Smiling with my sister
Writing my father once
My mom long gone
With gratitude for my upbringing
Always knowing I was loved
Knowing not everyone can say this
I know
I am blessed
I know
But until that meditation
I didn’t realize the magnitude
My sister played in the
Knowing
The deep knowing, that fueled
Those smiles
In all of those memories
We are just under 10 years apart
She and I
Conceived to save a marriage
It worked but at the expense
Of dethroning the other baby
The second boy baby
The mama’s boy
who thought he was in the clear
Six years tick tock tick tock
And then I showed up
He held it against me
Until about three years ago
When my father died
My brother an exceptional son
In the end especially I think
It made him appreciate
The sacrifices my father
Made for all of us
He grew up and seemed to
Forgive me for being born
For which I am grateful
Since I really didn’t have
A say in the matter
The other brother I was close
To but politics and religion
Can change those things
Despite how hard I try to see
His perspective
I’m trained in this, right?
I can’t
We can’t
come together
The efforts wane
So does the relationship
I know if I saw my oldest
brother, we would
hug and
Chat and
Say I love you when we parted
Because we are grownups
And we do
But I can’t help but wonder
what would have been
what could have been
Had we been able to see
Each other
Differently
It is fascinating to watch
The dynamics of
My own children
All loved of course
But not without their
Rivalries
Whether it was for attention
There were five
After all
Or just personality differences
Seeing my daughter and son
Hug and
say I love you
Is a mother’s dream
knowing the backstory
Words said
Forgiveness reigns
Gratitude deep
Or are they the younger
Versions of me and my brother?
I may never know
Thankful for my sister
And now the younger brother
Orphaned together but still
A lucky life
I have mentioned before
Yes, a lucky life
A life living well
A life loving well
Until the lives become
Well-lived and well-loved
Like the lives of our
Parents whom without
we would not be
siblings
So thank you Mom and Dad
for them