When I started my Year in Conscious Living course and committed to the 7-minute daily practice, I had no idea where it would lead. That is life though, right? Even with perfect planning we really have no idea where any of this leads us. I figured the 7-minute practice was an easy commitment and according to their instruction, the Law of Seven is the law of dynamism, where anything becomes possible. So implementing the practice of contacting my heart and body centers (my mind isn’t as difficult) seemed at least intriguing at the time.
As a Five, I struggle with connecting with my feelings. I tend to compartmentalize things, rationalize things and leave my heart out of the mix. It’s easier to not get involved in those messy feelings. I have no problem with the feelings that come from a beautiful poem, a sentimental card, saying goodbye to my children, a beautiful moment in a movie, anything that touches my spirit - those feelings are easy. But it is the Heart Center of Intelligence I have been neglecting, getting in touch with deeper emotions that have been a struggle until the other day at the grocery store where I had no choice.
I was heading out of a store and recognized someone from my past. She was someone I had deeply connected with on our mutual spiritual paths. As she walked by me, I said, “Hello!” eager to connect with her and contemplating the long awaited hug I had wanted to give her. She said, “hi,” rather shortly. I said, “Oh you don’t recognize me.” She said, “Oh, I know who YOU are” and walked by me. Stunned, I immediately felt the pain in my heart.
This feeling, this heartache, felt foreign to me. Of course, I have felt this pain during extreme loss (the deaths of my parents, my children moving away) but truthfully, I hadn’t felt this from a
(now-apparently-former) friend. I didn’t know what to do with it. I got in my car and started to rationalize the exchange, all the while, feeling my heartache.
I drove home and immediately composed an email to her asking her help in understanding what I had done to have her feel this way towards me, knowing very well, I might never hear from her. Again that mystery-thing.
The whole day was wrought with over-analyzing the situation - the typical Head Center reaction. I spoke with a friend about it. As we chatted about Ego, I was reminded that the idea of this is “my stuff” and “her stuff” isn’t the way to release this. The next day, I did a long meditation that journeyed through all nine Holy Ideas. The Holy Ideas are a liberating concept in the Enneagram for each and every type. Essentially, they teach us that we are part of a bigger plan and to release the hold on the roles we think we play in this world and allow God to take over. This was incredibly comforting and I let go of my hold a bit more.
And then, I shared the week of events with another friend. She always holds space for me. And as I relayed what happened, I was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t help but cry. I hadn’t cried all week, despite the punch in the heart, the deep heartache. It was cathartic and wonderful as she reminded me that I am light and love. I hadn’t realized how deeply this affected me and how powerful and painful these feelings can be. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have felt vulnerable enough to release the protective layer and cry.
As I write this, I wondered if the whole point of the 7-minute practice is to feel things deeper. And I realized, yes, it is about feeling LIFE deeper - all of it. The amazing moments, the not-so-amazing moments, the love, the pain, all of it, because if you are present to all three Centers of Intelligence, you are reminded of the Life Force running through you and you experience life to the depths. The depths of heart, body and mind. This week I felt cracked open, I needed this shock point and moment by moment, I look forward to the deeper experienced life - in love and light.