This brings up the happy medium part of this love-but-don’t-like-them philosophy. My parents are gone, but I coach many parents with adult children. Most of them seem to be good parents, albeit human parents. None of us leave here without doing some emotional damage to our children, therein lies the human part. Putting the expectation on our children to have fabulous relationships is our dream. Admittedly, it is my dream. But that is just it. We put that on them. And it really isn’t fair. Ultimately, maybe we should just teach them to get along with each other the best they can given birth order, personalities, and life experiences. As adults, a lot more than parenting influences us. Most of them leave us at around 18 years old and after that time, many other influences contribute to their perspectives. We are not in control.
I have a client who wants nothing more than for her sons to have a great relationship. I have explained this isn’t her journey but her dream, and the suffering that goes along with the illusion will just continue as long as she allows it. Everyone awakens, whether it is now or on their deathbed. Will these two sons of hers wake up one day and realize they don’t need to be best friends but simply get along well enough or will they realize this on their deathbeds? In the meantime, they have wasted a lot of energy, maybe even to the point of illness, continuing to drink the poison of pointing fingers and accusations. They can love each other but they don’t have to like one another.
Emotional boundaries. Co-existing. Sort of the same thing. The sooner we recognize how much we can handle, what we are willing to put up with or set aside, without enabling others or making ourselves stressed or sick, and releasing the illusion of what the relationship is supposed to look like, we can love our siblings for who they are and be ok with not really having to like them.