When my father died in early 2020, I unwillingly and begrudgingly joined the Orphans Club. It’s a club we all have to join at some point, a rite of passage, but it doesn’t feel right. Thrust into this club with the bonus of forcefully entering a pandemic, the isolation, and, most likely, the depression, were felt deeply. I felt ungrounded, disconnected, and seemingly unable to get my footing. Nineteen months later, I am able to report, my feelings of being orphaned have morphed into being one with a fellowship, a deeper community, one, like a home.
By definition, a fellowship is a community of interest, activity, feeling, or experience. My fellowship has to do with the feeling part of that definition, one of a deeper sense of belonging, connecting, peace and love. My fellowship includes walking along the Rec Path and acknowledging the Other with a ‘good morning’, connecting on a more sincere level with my clients when we chat about everything from big meaning-of-life topics to the more mundane answers about our weekends, appreciating my birth family for fulfilling experiences no matter how few and far between, the gratitude I have for my life with my husband and children accompanied by a deeper sense of awe and wonder while I continue to learn about them. This is due to a daily practice of being present, and a newfound practice of curiosity with the underlying theme of knowing we are all part of a collective Universe, a fellowship.
I’m listening to a wonderful book by Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening.” In fact, I love it so much I’ve ordered it in paperback form. (Note to self - read non-fiction, listen to fiction, the student in me loves highlighting and taking notes!). The overarching theme of the book is to become aware of your reactions to the speaker. To be a good listener, you can’t be distracted, or answer in cliches, or relate by talking about your experiences. You can’t interject, interrupt or assume. You need to be intuitive and listen for the deeper feelings and nuanced language, behind the words. A good listener thinks before they speak, not while the other person is speaking. The listener takes in the words, fully present, then takes a moment to respond in a full-of-thought, curious kind of way. The author gives a great example of a man relaying a difficult situation to a friend. He was going to quit his job, but instead, he gets fired and now he has to explain to his family that not only was he fired but they can no longer go on their planned vacation. The friend replies “I’m sorry you lost your job.” Cliche. A more full-of-thought response would have been, “tell me more about the difficult conversation you will have with your family.” When you start a response with “Tell me more” you are fully engaged and becoming more connected to the speaker. While it may feel a bit journalistic or probing, it lets the speaker know you are listening. You are showing you care. You aren’t assuming you know how they think or feel. Without assumptions, you become the listener, a friend, a fellow.
Fellowship isn’t about your representation in the community but rather being a part of something bigger than you. It’s about the ability to understand where the Other is coming from without preconceived judgments or fear, with a basis coming from love and genuine curiosity. My brother has a different political affinity than mine. It has taken me a long time (again with the 19 months!) to accept that this doesn’t change my love for him or his love for me. Listening with an open heart and mind to how he got to these beliefs is my job. Different doesn’t mean we lack commonality. Finding the differences, exploring them, getting really curious about one another, and being open to each other forges communities that no longer live in a bubble. It’s a community that is malleable, fluid, symbiotic, immersed, and invested because we are accepting and accepted. Accepted like the love of a parent, without conditions. Being orphaned has given me the opportunity to look for a new home, one where I can still be that child who is loved unconditionally, the one I have found when I look beyond my lonesome self and see you, your spirit, and all of your curious differences. And together we forge a fellowship, where we can all create a home away from home until we meet our parents and loved ones again.