Winter is coming. Well, actually, the calendar says it’s coming, but in Stowe, it is here. The mountain has a daily dusting of the white stuff, the Fall jackets are already put away after their brief appearance, and I'm tripping on winter boots in the mudroom. Just because it is here, doesn’t mean I’m willing to embrace it. Every year, for 20 years, I say I will embrace it, and every year by January 1st, I’m counting down the days until May 1st (yes, it is that long here!). I don’t do Winter is my annual mantra. So can I change this mindset? I’m not sure. Six months is a long time to do something you don’t really want to do. So maybe I can cut myself some slack. But what about the daily things I tell myself I don’t do?
The other day I said, “It’s not going to happen.” This was in reference to my aversion to exercising in the afternoon as opposed to getting it done first thing in the morning. My husband has been my sounding board when I gripe about this body I haven’t been recognizing and my motivation to exercise. “I just don’t do that.” I heard myself this time. What do I mean, ‘it’s not going to happen’ or ‘I just don’t do that’? I didn’t realize I now have this cool skill of predicting the future. Am I so set in my ways already that I can’t change my ideas of what I do and don’t do? I’m only 56, not 96! Uh oh.
In Lulu Miller’s memoir, Why Fish Don’t Exist (which is amazing by the way), she threads her story within the chronicles of a scientist who devotes his life to categorizing every fish he can discover. He is in search of order, a place for everything, control. Lulu juxtapositions her struggle with these very same things, relaying her life story alongside the scientist’s story. She is determined to mend her longtime romantic relationship, the relationship she thought would be a forever thing, the one that gave her life order and predictability, control. Without giving too much away (it’s a wonderful book, but I’ve already expressed my love for it), she ultimately concludes that life isn’t orderly, that Chaos reigns and we may be forced to revise.
Yes, Chaos reigns and we don’t have control of external circumstances (Winter), events, someone’s actions, someone’s feelings, etc, but she also suggests something else. Lulu suggests we have choices, choices contrary to the stories we have told ourselves. She was holding on to what she thought could be. Yet, her lover wasn’t changing his mind. She can wallow in the suffering or shift. She has a choice. She revised her version of life, her vision for a life well-lived.
Every day at the gym I hear things people say they can’t, won’t, or don’t do fill-in-the-blank. I’m not pointing fingers. Clearly, I do the same thing. I’ve heard everything from I don’t do long-distance relationships to I’m won’t ever go to that restaurant. As humans, we tell ourselves stories that can have long-term consequences or affect what we will eat for dinner tonight.
But we can change our can’ts, won’ts, and don’ts to can, will, and do, with just a shift in awareness, an open mind, being open to revision. With awareness, we can choose to act one way instead of our habitual way and surprise ourselves with our newfound abilities. I can actually exercise in the afternoon if I don’t get it done in the morning. I actually did it and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Defining my exercise habits by what I typically do, keeps me from taking care of myself (in this situation) and doesn’t allow for a curveball to be thrown at my body, which is important once in a while. I know this is a trivial example (as compared to getting over the loss of a romantic relationship) but it is meant to help you consider what you might be saying to yourself that isn’t necessarily true and as a bonus, mixing things up is really good for us!
Yes, Chaos will throw us the curveballs, but it is what we do with those curveballs that give our lives fluidity, growth, and possibility. I may not be able to embrace six months of Winter (ever), but I can do things differently, the little things on a daily basis. And maybe, just maybe, my attitude toward today’s day of Winter can feel a little different than yesterday’s, but probably only if I get that exercise in.