When I was in high school, I thought I would be head cheerleader. Apparently, not everyone else thought so and I lost the title to a more suited peer (I did go to an all-girls high school so being head cheerleader wasn’t the Urban Dictionary’s definition). At the time, I felt rooked out of my rightful title. My cocky attitude cost me it. I wasn’t deserving because I thought it was mine which was a big lesson in humility. Now, as a wife, mother, friend, sister, coach, trainer, even spin instructor, I’ve regained the title or at least I have in my mind. I love these roles. They are easy for me (hmm, sounding cocky Julie?). I enjoy being head cheerleader. But the past two weeks have challenged this role of mine like no other time in my life. I’ve lost my father of 54 years, 5 months and 25 days (but who’s counting) and my small business with Ernie of almost 17 years. I have no idea what the future holds. When the head cheerleader gets her world pulled out from under her, what does she do?
I thought falling back on the practices that made me who I am would help. I’ve got it, change your mindset. Think positively. You know, post positive quotes, think half-full, etc. You are good at that. Yet, when asked to be part of an email chain to simply send a good vibe quote to the person at the top of the list, I couldn’t do it. It didn’t feel authentic. On Facebook, I read other people’s posts, “like” them but can’t find it in my being to post anything positive. The most positive thing I’ve sent are the self-deprecating meme’s about getting fat. In whose world is that positive? Funny? Yes. Positive? Not so much.
Wait, what if I go back to a meditation challenge? I registered for Oprah and Deepak’s new 21 day challenge, Hope in Uncertain Times. There you go. Now you are getting your act together. Day One. I will skip it and move on to the Day Two since that is where everyone else is, maybe their energy will inspire me. Ok, I will start tomorrow. Day Three. Well, I was kind of busy reeling from what our new world looks like. I know, I will post it on FB and get some backup, then I’m accountable. Day Four, Five, Six… what day am I supposed to be on? I have done 10 minutes of one. I’ve lost track of the days. I’m not even close to going all in.
So those two strategies didn’t work, what else… hmm…. I’ve got it. I will get more connected. I love connecting one on one with people. I downloaded the Marco Polo app. I’ve sent one 4 second video in a week and it was of my cat. OMG, what is this cheerleader to do?
Ernie always says to his clients “What advice would you give your best friend if they were in your position?” I know exactly what that advice is for me. It is advice I give all the time when clients are starting a new workout routine, trying to change their eating habits or instilling some new positive shift in their world.
Today is Day One. And tomorrow will be Day One. The next day will be Day One, too. Don’t look too far out. Just do Day One, today.
So just for today….
I’m going to tackle today and only today.
I’m going to have faith not hope (that might be why the Oprah challenge is a struggle for me). I’m not sticking a toe in the water, I’m going all in.
I’m not going to judge myself.
I give myself permission to grieve my losses however that bubbles up (it hasn’t been pretty, but I’m not judging myself, right?).
I believe in the reciprocity of weakness and strength. I know I can receive strength from others when I’m vulnerable and I can give them my strength when they need it.
Losing the self-imposed title of head cheerleader is really different today. There are many more lessons than the one of humility I learned a million years ago (almost 40 and a million feel kind of the same nowadays). There is the lesson of faith, faith in everything that is good and God. There is the lesson of forgiveness, of myself and my self-imposed expectations. There is the lesson of self-love, the acceptance of my gut-wrenching losses is my path, no one else’s. There is the lesson of resilience, of mine and my community. Finally, and maybe most importantly, the lesson of love, the deep love and support of family, friends and community. Our oneness has never been more potent in my life despite our social distancing parameters. It’s ok that I’m not the head cheerleader. Today someone else can be and for today, and only today, I have faith in my new role as the not-so head cheerleader. And I’m ok with that, because today is Day One.
