I don’t know about you, but Thanksgiving, aka Family Time, is a time I look forward to with guarded excitement. We love each other. We are on more than speaking terms, way more. We function pretty well as a family. Do the three girls go at it sometimes? Yes, but it is quickly resolved. Are the boys sloppy and indulge in testosterone-induced macho conversations? Yes. And truthfully this might be where some enabling happens. This blog isn’t about sloppy boys, though. It’s about the discernment between giving those you love some space versus enabling them. A long weekend together can test this.
As a former enabler (ok, admittedly, sometimes I can still wear that hat), I have had to learn the difference between enabling and giving space. In my first marriage, I was confrontational but he most always got his way. It was just easier than the fight. This time around I tend to be non-confrontational, which can at times appear to be enabling hence the I can still wear that hat comment. Because if we aren’t going to confront, doesn’t the more stubborn player going to get their way, hence bad behavior being enabled? How can we differentiate giving space from enabling? With time, I have learned what each scenario looks like and how they differ. Having had LOTS of enabling practice (hmmm, let’s see - 14 plus years during my first marriage), it has taken me some time to understand A). What is enabling? and B) How does this differ from being non-confrontational?
Enabling is supporting someone’s self-destructive behavior. Being non-confrontational makes room for observation. Observation allows the situation the space to be non-reactive in a situation’s heat. It also allows the acknowledgement of different perspectives. Enabling is neither as it is primarily concerned with supporting one person’s negative behavior without resolution. Observation is productive and healthy because it takes into consideration both sides. Enabling builds walls. Observation brings the relationship closer.
I am a big believer in giving space through observation. In fact, I think it is the key to fulfilling our potential in this human-kind world. Giving each other a moment, holding space for one another, being non-reactive, non-confrontational allows the people involved to step back and observe the situation allowing grace to show up. This is where you can take a breath and take the moment in. This is a healthy reaction. You can ask for a moment, for space, if the other person involved isn’t catching on. This is a win-win. After all, we can only control our reactions, no one else’s but by controlling our response, we are able to handle the situation with maturity and reflection, instead of a less-than-thoughtful reaction.
Giving space to the situation gives reverence to those moments and a deeper appreciation for them. Thanksgiving weekend, I sat back many times and took it all in, the good, the bad, and the sometimes nuts. All in all, we are pretty good together. Again and again, we pass the test. That’s what makes a family a family. We’ve all grown up and observation and space has made this enabler, a recovering enabler.