Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
My oldest brother and I are 12 years apart. A pretty big spread. When he left for college I was six so my childhood was essentially spent without him but that didn’t stop him from really working the big brother thing when I did see him and doing a great job at it (my favorite childhood teddy bear was a gift from him, Kuddles). And while I am sure he still considers me his baby sister and will always love me despite our differences, lately the polarization of the country has steeped its way into our family and it makes me sad. Sad that I felt like my brother was leaving my side, sad that my father was no longer around to be our glue, sad that what was is no longer. I wondered throughout the week, as seemingly one client after the next was coming in with some sort of similar familial issue, what could be the common solution for solving these polarizing familial tiffs? You know, the nephew that doesn’t speak to the family, the COVID freaked out parents, the marriage being torn apart by differing vaccine beliefs, the siblings with very different political values. You know those light topics.
Then one of my clients said it: ‘their therapist thinks they don’t respect each other.’ There it is. Most conflicts stem from a lack of respect whether it’s in regards to a person’s belief system, mindset, choices, etc. Where can we find respect? We find it in common ground, if and only if, both parties can become willing participants in finding this with each other. Both parties are willing to move a little bit center. To give each other the room and space to meet a little closer to halfway. No one person can do this. But it only takes one person to start the process.
I decided to reach out to my brother with a recent article I read to get his opinion. He is very smart, well-read, and full of thought. He responded with a counter article. I read what he sent, re-requested his thoughts on the one I sent, and began to think, how can the two of us really discuss such a hot topic (one that is a no-no in our personal training business) without a tit for tat banter? I decided we needed to get on the same page, almost literally, but actually more virtually. I asked for his input on the sources he reads, discover which ones I can open my mind to, and suggested some others so the two of us can find a commonality, a dare I say it, political common ground. Yes, it exists. For my part, I have sworn off any opinionated news sources (that’s a tough one) and have committed to nonpartisan news Let me tell you, the options are few. Of course, most have some sort of left or right lean, but I’m ok with a slight lean, I’m not ok with someone telling me what to think. So my big brother and I are discussing things, through email, but that’s better than it was. A lot better.
If my brother refused to answer my emails (which he wouldn’t do) or your nephew simply will not communicate with the family under any circumstances, then meeting closer to halfway is impossible. But if both parties are slightly willing, slightly curious, then we’ve got a chance here. And the most important place to practice this is with family, with the ones you love(d) because how on earth can we practice this with the ones we don’t love if we can’t practice it with the ones we do love?
What else can common ground look like? Maybe that couple can find a vaccine source they both can trust. Maybe those freaked-out parents would be less freaked out if their children were tested before a visit. And maybe, just maybe that nephew can open his heart a smidge and find a happy balance between family visits and his own personal boundaries. Who knows? What is for sure is no one will know unless someone extends some sort of olive branch and the other party takes a chance and receives it.
So today, this week, month, or year, reach out to someone who has been just slightly distancing themselves from you (or maybe not so slightly) and find some commonality. Yes, both parties need to be willing but you won’t know unless you try. We have a lot to do as a country to be individuals with differing respectful opinions. We can do this. It starts with me and it starts with you. Let’s warm up to each other and this cold war we are living in won’t have a chance.
P.S. I would love to hear what you did to reach out so please comment or email me. juliefarrayroick@gmail.com.