Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash
I was talking to a client recently about her lack of following through when it comes to doing things for herself. She has her to-do list and she ends up just losing herself, binge watching Netflix, even though the list has some really fun self-care and self-expression items on it. I asked her why she thinks she does this. She said, “well, I’ve taken care of others for so long, I just don’t want to want to DO anything anymore.” We dug a little deeper and it turns out, this has been her story for a long time.
Years ago, I mean over 20 years ago, I would say, “my children define me.” Whoa. That’s not even remotely noble. That’s just plain and simple, not awake or aware (or to use a word I really loathe, stupid). But it was what I thought at the time. I’m not excusing it, it just was. I threw myself into my children. They were my world. My everything. And what happened? I completely lost myself. One day, I woke up and felt I had no idea who I was or how I got there.. I blamed someone else. How could this be my fault? I’ve been doing everything for everyone! I played the victim for a long time. It took me awhile to figure out this wasn’t someone else’s fault. This was my doing. And It was my job to undo this. It’s taken a long time to wake up and realize my role and owning it, but again, not dwelling on it. Am I really going to go another 20 years playing a victim of a circumstance I created? No way! I decided to forgive myself and it has been the key to liberation from my history.
So, that has been (part of) my story. My client has her story and you do too. History is just that, the past. It’s over and now, just an illusion. It will never happen again. Stop defining yourself by who you think you are based on who you were or by the same crappy story you tell yourself about you. Have we made mistakes? Of course, we all have regrets. Are we the victims of someone else’s actions? Maybe. Does any of this define us? No. Unless you want it to define you. Then that is on you. You can choose it or not.
Give yourself permission to have a new story. What would that look like to you? This may involve letting go of some “norms” you have had on auto pilot. Listen to the story you are telling yourself. Journal. Reflect. Become aware of what you say about yourself and others. You can change your thoughts to tell a new story. One where you are the author, not your past. You can create new habits, new thought patterns, new adventures. You can change history to be HerStory and it can be anything you want it to be.