When I was growing up

Or maybe I should say

Growing into my 

“baby” spot in the birth ranking

My sister was a second

mother to me

She had prayed and 

I mean literally prayed

I would be a girl

With two brothers

She wanted to even

Up the teams

My sister’s love for me 

Steadfast

And only recently during 

A loving-kindness

Meditation did I realize

How it shaped me

As the guide requested 

We direct our loving-kindness

towards ourselves

Suggesting we imagine

Our younger selves

So I did

It was easy to imagine

My happy childhood

Picture after picture flashed into

My mind of a smiling Julie

Innocent

Dressed as a cowgirl

Sitting on a horse

Costumed for dance recitals

With our dog

On the beach

Smiling with my sister

Writing my father once

My mom long gone

With gratitude for my upbringing

Always knowing I was loved

Knowing not everyone can say this

I know

I am blessed

I know

But until that meditation

I didn’t realize the magnitude

My sister played in the 

Knowing 

The deep knowing, that fueled

Those smiles

In all of those memories

We are just under 10 years apart

She and I

Conceived to save a marriage

It worked but at the expense

Of dethroning the other baby

The second boy baby

The mama’s boy

who thought he was in the clear

Six years tick tock tick tock

And then I showed up

He held it against me

Until about three years ago

When my father died

My brother an exceptional son

In the end especially I think

It made him appreciate 

The sacrifices my father 

Made for all of us

He grew up and seemed to

Forgive me for being born

For which I am grateful

Since I really didn’t have 

A say in the matter

The other brother I was close

To but politics and religion

Can change those things

Despite how hard I try to see

His perspective

I’m trained in this, right?

I can’t 

We can’t

come together

The efforts wane

So does the relationship

I know if I saw my oldest

brother, we would 

hug and

Chat and 

Say I love you when we parted

Because we are grownups

And we do

But I can’t help but wonder 

what would have been

what could have been

Had we been able to see 

Each other 

Differently

It is fascinating to watch

The dynamics of 

My own children

All loved of course

But not without their 

Rivalries

Whether it was for attention

There were five 

After all

Or just personality differences

Seeing my daughter and son

Hug and 

say I love you

Is a mother’s dream 

knowing the backstory

Words said

Forgiveness reigns

Gratitude deep

Or are they the younger

Versions of me and my brother?

I may never know

Thankful for my sister

And now the younger brother

Orphaned together but still

A lucky life

I have mentioned before

Yes, a lucky life

A life living well

A life loving well

Until the lives become

Well-lived and well-loved

Like the lives of our 

Parents whom without 

we would not be

siblings

So thank you Mom and Dad 

for them