Almost eight years ago, Ernie and I were on a quest to get our second oldest daughter, Chloe, a calico cat for Christmas. We scoured Craigslist to find a kitten for her. We found a woman giving away kittens born to her feral cat, a ferry ride from us across Lake Champlain. We arrived at the lady’s house to find ourselves in a bit of a predicament - there were two cats looking for a home, a calico and a black cat, sister and brother. The black cat darted around and we almost left without him. But, just as we were leaving, he peaked out from his hiding place and let us put him in the crate. They were both ours.
The boy, Ninja, was adorable, all black and looking like Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. He had a personality and the boys really fell for him. So did I. He was fun. Ernie and I were a bit smitten with him giving him nicknames and lots of attention. The calico, Ivy, on the other hand didn’t quite have the personality of Ninja yet Chloe was convinced she too would be a great cat. It really didn’t matter to me, because for now, most of her love would be coming from Chloe and Paige (our third daughter) anyway. Plus, I had my kitty, Ninja. I had my opinion about Ivy already set. I had heard about calicos, having the reputation of being standoffish and having an attitude. I really didn’t believe my daughters when they said she would give them kisses and snuggle with them as I never witnessed this reciprocity of love.
So when the girls moved out, I felt like they had left a stranger behind. I never considered Ivy to be the brightest star in the sky and felt completely detached from her. But then I started my coaching training.
Hold on…what did she just say? Her coaching training? What does THAT have to do with her relationship with her cat? Come to find out…. everything.
I remember learning that when a relationship fails, it’s 50/50. I never really believed it so I started working on this “failed” relationship and owning my percentage of responsibility. I started applying the techniques I learned in my coaching training to Ivy, in essence fulfilling all of her emotional needs. I started loving her and talking to her as if she was the BOMB, telling her how cute she was and giving her lots of attention. After all, her loving relationships had moved out and she was sort of stuck with me. Our failure to have a relationship wasn’t really her fault at all. After all, who is the human here? Then something cool happened. She started loving me back, licking my wet hair, sleeping right next to my head, meowing at me when I wasn’t giving her attention, etc. Today, she even licked my toes. Now that is LOVE! Who was now smitten with whom?
So while I’ve read these lessons in spiritual books and in my coaching training, it was Ivy who really started teaching me how they work once I applied them:
Don’t judge: I realized all of my judgments about this cat where my judgments. She never did anything to earn them. These preconceived ideas were blocking my relationship with her. Just like most people in our lives.
Relationships are 50/50: Fulfill the needs of those around you and yours will be fulfilled too. It’s a strange phenomenon. You can’t change anyone, but you can change how you are with them. If you do this, your relationships will change. I guarantee it. This works with people apparently too!
We are one: This is a big one and may be a bit too spiritual for some of you. When I give Ivy attention, I see her as part of a bigger picture. One where every living thing has spirit and energy. Beyond our mutual love fest, we have something in common. We both have a spirit. We are both made of energy. Just like every living being on this planet. This makes us one and it gives me an even deeper connection to her. (This also works for humans, too.)
This is what I now see when I look into those eyes. It’s changed from “not being the brightest star in the sky” to “being one of many spirits in the Universe.” Thank you, Ivy. I’m so happy I’ve gotten to know the real You.