Last week, a client of mine was talking about how she wished she could change just as simply as the trees do in the Fall here in beautiful Vermont. This time of year always brings to mind change since we start thinking about hibernating before the freezing cold hits us and the beauty around us is a gentle reminder that life is full of changes, some are effortless, others, not so much. I reminded her that we can change and maybe with a little less effort than we’ve been taught. My approach to change is simple: become aware.
In the past, when people would come to me wanting to change a behavior, I would suggest a traditional approach - reward or punishment. Let’s say you overindulge in chocolate and you just have to eat X amount every day and know you probably should be eating X-Y. Traditionally, we would discuss what motivates you more, reward or punishment. We would then set up some protocol for you to reward (treat yourself to something non-food related item at the end of a gold-star kind of week) or punishment (you would write a check to the food bank weekly). While these can be effective means for behavior change, there is a much better way that works faster and more efficiently. It’s called awareness. Yes, I am talking about being present (uh oh, there she goes again - just bear with me) . Now let’s take this idea of presence to a deeper level. Let’s pretend your sister-in-law called and wants to bring her less than well-behaved children to your house for five days. You agree, out of obligation (this is actually a different issue, one I will get to in another post I’m sure). You hang up the phone and reach for chocolate. You mindlessly want to start scarfing it down. Wait. Hold on. Take a breath. Feel that want creep in. What is the feeling behind the wanting? Is it anxiety? Fear? Frustration? Dread? What exactly is it? Be with it. Acknowledge THAT feeling and then….. let it go. You see, it’s not the chocolate that is the problem. It’s the lack of acknowledgement of the feeling that is the problem. This is how people eat their problems and become overweight. This is why people reach for a cigarette. This is why people yell at each other impulsively. Become aware, feel and release. This technique can be used for ANY behavior you want to change. You simply need to bring awareness to the situation. That is the awareness I am talking about. By the way, I am not suggesting you give up chocolate, I would NEVER suggest that. I am simply suggesting if it (fill in the blank behavior) is affecting your life (weight gain, health issues, arguments, mood disorders etc), it’s time to bring some awareness to it. Remember: awareness, feel, release.
Now, let’s chat about going from getting rid of bad habits to cultivating good ones. Say, it was brought to your attention that you tend to be a bit, well let’s say, myopic. And just maybe, because of this, you come across as standoffish. Maybe you have some so-called excuses. Let’s say these so-called excuses look like, five children, a business, and you consider yourself an introvert (throat clears). When you stop defining yourself as “that’s just me” and bring some awareness to how you really want to live your life, you can become the you, you want to become. Once this was brought to my attention (yes, if you didn’t figure it out, I received an email from a member about how she felt I was treating her), I had to make a real effort to change my behavior to something much more positive and socially acceptable. This introvert now greets everyone with a “good morning” and eye contact. I work on being more social, with casual conversation, genuine interest and real presence to those around me. No, the world actually does not revolve around me and yes, that is how I came across. My self-imposed labels and excuses exacerbated this so-called “trait” I had but with awareness (and an email that played over and over in my head), I changed it. I put it in my habit tracker (a daily reminder) and watched the metamorphosis happen over time, maybe it was even a long time. But it did happen. It does take a daily commitment to want to change. Sometimes, I feel my old on-a-mission-and-don’t-get-in-my-way self rear it’s less than pretty head and I remind myself how I want to truly live my life, on purpose and connected. So reflect on what you want to change about yourself. Give yourself some time, patience, and practice and you too will see changes. Maybe not as outwardly or as quickly as our beautiful Vermont trees, but a life-long transformational journey worthy of effort.