Our recent book club selection, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson dumbs down the principles of A Course in Miracles. Maybe that isn’t very nice but it’s true. In my case, I needed some serious dumbing down since years ago I picked up A Course in Miracles, tried reading it for a week and promptly donated it to my local library - WAY over my head. A Return to Love was more digestible and understandable. Thank God.
When I was preparing for our book club, I wrote down notes on each chapter. There were plenty of thought-provoking tidbits in this book and I was pretty smitten with myself, having done my homework. We gathered as a group and started going through the chapters, sharing our favorite quotes and passages. I was referring to my handy dandy notes. Then, someone mentioned forgiveness. I glanced through my self-inflicted homework for the quotes I had chosen on forgiveness. Hmm, I don’t see any, maybe it’s on the next page. No, not there. I asked the group, “where does it mention forgiveness?” Oh right, apparently A Course in Miracles talks a lot about forgiveness and so does this book. Marianne may have actually devoted a chapter to it. Is it possible I had zero notes about forgiveness? Yes. Zero.
I’m sure you have heard of selective hearing, but apparently I have selective reading. If it doesn’t resonate with me, I skip it. My selectivity on forgiveness made me wonder/worry that it might have to do with the fact I never say “I’m sorry.” I’m talking the heartfelt “I’m sorry” not the oh-excuse-me-for-being-in-your-way “I’m sorry”. I just watched a TV show where the characters said I’m sorry more in one 45 minute episode than I have in my entire life. No notes on forgiveness. Never saying “I’m sorry.” Is there a recurring theme here? I wondered.
One of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t take anything personally.” If we don’t take anything personally, why would we need to forgive? Isn’t this what he means? Our feelings would NEVER be hurt. We would chalk up all discourse and need for forgiveness to it not being personal. After all, isn’t forgiveness needed because our ego demands it? I’m pretty sure that is a yes.
When you are working on awareness of your ego (as per Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth), you don’t feel the need to hold on to things. Forgiveness isn’t a necessity when you understand it isn’t personal. (By the way, this is a constant practice - awareness of the ego. It definitely doesn’t happen over night and I am challenged almost daily.)
We do live in the human world, however. This human world, filled with egos, screams the need for apologies. Forgiveness usually involves an apology or could imply a lack of one. Maybe it’s time to learn.
I blame that on my FOO (family of origin). I actually don’t think I ever heard it in my house. In fact, I’m confident I didn’t. I didn’t learn how or when to say it. And truthfully, in my FOO, I can’t recall too many situations warranting an apology. We were pretty well-behaved humans. I’m not saying there weren’t any disagreements, but to me, disagreements are just that, two or more people don’t agree. Does this warrant an apology? Not really, unless you behave badly. But again, I wasn’t raised with apologies so maybe you have a different take on this.
Now as a grownup, I do my best to continue to behave and avoid the dreaded “I’m sorry.” In 2019, I did have to apologize to someone and not at all because she was expecting one. I had offered unsolicited advice and my delivery was off. It tore me up inside, for weeks. I hadn’t seen her and when I did, I totally broke down (read, bawled my eyes out) and apologized. I felt terrible that I could have hurt someone’s feelings. Those two words were very hard for me to say. Looking back on it, I now know why I retreat during confrontations: I don’t want to do or say something I will regret. It’s too painful all the way around. I’m sure there is another healthier confrontation strategy, but this is mine. I’m not saying this is good. I’m just saying. I take saying “I’m sorry” very seriously and avoid it at all costs, not because I don’t want to apologize but because I choose to be mindful of how my words affect other people. Maybe my FOO did the same thing. Apologies are thwarted when we think before we speak.
When your ego rears it’s less than attractive head and is longing to forgive or be forgiven, consider the following:
FOO (some learning may be needed)
It isn’t personal (but your ego may think it is).
Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to healing the world.”
(Marianne Williamson’s quote from that book I “read”)
With or without the “I’m sorry,” you can always forgive. And most of us can avoid seeking forgiveness (and those two scary words) by thinking before we speak.